Hey European Apple iPhone 12 Users. You’re All Going to Die!

Sacre bleu! The French have all but banned the iPhone 12 because the radiation it, um, radiates is an intolerable .7 watts over the EU standard of 4 watts. Electromagnetic radiation is measured in wattage absorbed by every kilogram of human. Anyway, 4.7 watts is the amount of radiation absorbed by the body when using the iPhone 12, now obviously classified as a WMD (look it up, Gen Z’ers). Apple iPhone 12 users, you have been warned.

Some perspective

40 watts is the amount required to cause a minor itch or a warm flush around the, you know, pocket area. Which is ten times the EU limit for a phone. But the French are alarmed. Some may argue that a Frenchman isn’t happy unless he has a minor itch or a warm flush around the, you know, pocket area. And science will tell you that the frequency range of 5G phones are in the nonionizing range of the spectrum. It cannot damage DNA, which means it cannot alter genes which means it cannot contribute to cancer.

So the French have asked Apple not to sell them anymore. Not that the good folk at Apple are crying into their gold-flecked frappés. Not with the 13,14 and now 15 in circulation. Of course, they’ve challenged France’s data. And they’ll probably fix it. Maybe they’re scared their own tribe might think they’re mutating into zombies.

Ganging Up

And now Belgium has joined the fray. They’re ‘looking into it’. Perhaps at the same time they could look into making beer that tastes like beer, not fruit. And the Germans. And the Dutch. Don’t get me wrong, these are both fine and proud brewers of beer that tastes like beer. I mean they’re looking into the horrendous amount of world-ending radiation emanating from the offending iPhone.

All the EU needs now is the all-important Latvian investigation. Then Apple is in big, big trouble. Not to mention Apple iPhone 12 users.

The fact that Apple employees have been asked not to comment on these heinous allegations more or less caps a week best described as a French farce.

On to more important stuff. When you read the word ‘nonionizing’ in the third paragraph, was ‘onion’ the only word you actually saw?

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