Apple Reassures iPhone Users about Thumb Injuries

On August 16th, the Cupertino-based company reversed its decision to move the call end button from bottom center to bottom right with the iOS 17 update. iPhone users expressed unprecedented relief. The collective fear was that thumbs could be irreversibly damaged. The tearing of the Tenar muscles connecting thumb to palm was the main concern. But with Apple reversing their decision, calm has returned.

This fear was not unwarranted. The counter mechanical move towards the wrist axis instead of slight downward pressure to end a call could spell disaster for this indispensable digit. This could lead to the complete loss of the opposable thumb, a term used to used to denote humanoid dexterity. (Apparently, the chairman of Samsung noted he was surprised iPhone users even had opposable thumbs.)

Dr. Abert Doofenschmirtz, the renowned Argentinian hand surgeon had this to say. “This is not the first time the iPhone has caused serious concerns regarding the hand and wrist. Ever since Apple introduced the larger Plus variants to their iPhone, male purchasers of these models have complained of an increased incidence of wrist spasms caused by the convoluted, often contortioned movement of wrist and fingers to operate their devices.”

This was met with a certain derision by a Third Prefect Executive of Huawei. She  doubted very much the male wrist spasms of these iPhone Plus owners were caused by the phone. She cited another type of wrist action being responsible. But she wouldn’t elaborate and also asked that she remain anonymous.

State of Emergency Halted

Moments after the news broke that ‘Apple reassures iPhone users’, the healthcare sector saw hospitals stand-down their emergency standby status. But there is now evidence of a Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) circulating Big Pharma. It seeks a court order against Apple to rescind and proceed with the positional switch of the end call button.

And it is also believed that upon being whispered the news in his ear of Apple’s rescindment, Kim ‘Fat Fingers’ Jong Un repealed Tim Cook’s death sentence, which he had signed off in the previous 48 hours.

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